Seniors Living Together
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter November 29 2024
By Tom Blake Columnist
The June 7th eNewsletter was titled, “Senior Man Scammed.” One short paragraph in that article quoted a text I had received from a woman, age 61. We had dated two times for an hour each time. The age gap was 25 years.
She wrote, “If I move in with you, I wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street if you pass away before me, so I would need you to change your estate plan to leave me your home.”
That quote inspired Champ Virginia, Newport Beach CA, to write me. She emailed, “That younger woman was certainly ‘jumping the gun’ and she sounded like a gold digger. Women are just trying to survive, and that woman was no exception…her action however does bring up the question of living together at a senior age.
“No woman or man would want to be left homeless at this stage of the game. Moving is traumatic and highly stressful and even more so as our ages increase and health issues surface.”
And then Virginia wrote about different options that could be put in place to protect the surviving person if their mate, the homeowner, passes away first. An estate planner needs to be consulted before the move-in occurs and a pre-move-in agreement signed by both parties.
She continued, “The other option is to just continue dating each other and living apart (a bit of a hassle and not so comfortable or satisfying as living together).
“The senior age with inevitable health issues, as well as declining physical strength, and all that accompanies it make this scenario a conundrum.
“If people live together, and one develops dementia, cancer or another crippling disease, would they be obligated to stay together if they live together but aren’t married? That’s a sticky problem.
“It’s not like we are teenagers or mid-lifers, we don’t have the luxury timewise of just dating endlessly if we are seeking someone to be a life companion. Maybe a column about seniors living together would generate opinions that would be helpful to Champs.”
Virginia raises a good point. A column based on the inputs from Champs would be beneficial to lots of people. A possible topic: The pros and cons of senior couples living together.
Another Champ, Leslie, emailed, “Many people of our ages are with SO’s (significant others) but are not marrying. It bothers me that my SO doesn’t want to marry again. He’s a widower after 53 years of marriage.
“I’ve never married through my own fears, though I’ve have had several relationships and proposals. The ‘one’, in my 30’s, I ran from and wouldn’t marry anyone else.
“My widower SO says he will never marry again. I could marry him, we’re both 83. I talk to my doctor, and he cautions me to stay in the relationship because he’s known too many women who broke up with a man because things weren’t perfect, and then they couldn’t find another. Hence, I stay and accept that I’ll never marry. Your eNewsletters give me hope.
“I was hoping, now, to experience marriage once. Our friends are married and there’s just a difference — a comfort they have in their commitment — that I don’t have. We basically live together, and it’s been almost eight years together, both are 83. I know many people remarry/marry, so to read about many couples not remarrying helps me.”
***
So, Champs, send me your opinions and experiences dealing with the “Pros and cons of seniors living together” issue. I’ll do a follow up column if I receive enough responses.
My Gratitude
Yesterday, of course, was Thanksgiving Day. I’m grateful for many things. But one of the biggest things is you, my Champs. Your responses to columns provide me with the material to generate future columns. I’ve formed friendships with many of you, although we may not have met in person. You’ve revealed your vulnerabilities. I hurt when you hurt.
You’ve shared advice that has been helpful to me personally. The eNewsletter has been published for 25 years. Let’s keep it moving forward. I’m grateful to all of you.
November 11 is Special ToMe
(Photo courtesy Michelle Rivera)
On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter November 18 2024
Tom Blake Columnist
November 11 is Special to Me
Today’s eNewsletter is not about senior dating. Rather, it’s about being grateful to family and friends who love and support us. This became unexpectedly evident to me this past Monday, November 11, as the emotion of seeing people I love was so overwhelming it brought me to tears. I will explain later, but first some background info regarding November 11.
An armistice was declared on the 11th hour, of the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918 between the countries that had been fighting in World War I, also known as The Great War.
In 1938, November 11th became a federal holiday in the United States. It was called Armistice Day, honoring the end of World War I and the veterans who fought in it. Why has November 11th always been special to me?
One year later, in 1939, I was born on Armistice Day, which also happened to be my Mom, Frances Pardee Blake’s birthday as well.
After World War II and the Korean War, the name Armistice Day was changed to Veterans Day. That name change made November 11th even more special to me. I am a Vietnam War veteran.
When the Vietnam War broke out, my ship, the USS Noble, APA 218, was one of the first three ships to arrive in the waters off South Vietnam. We had 3,000 battle-prepared Marines on board, many under 20 years of age.
On the night before they were going ashore, the line to get into the ship’s chapel was filled with Marines on all decks. One could barely move anywhere on the ship. Many of us in the wardroom prayed for those kids. As they were transferred to the jungles, I pondered how many would return alive. I still think about that question today, which is why I keep a lid on my birthday (Veterans Day) celebrations.
As November 11 was approaching this year, I wanted to keep the day especially quiet meaning no big celebrations or no hoopla for me because I was becoming 85. And I was grateful, blessed, pleased, fortunate, and happy about reaching that milestone.
My significant other, Debbie, who has fought her own battles over the last five months—cancer surgery and reconstruction, radiation, recovery and witnessing, within inches of missing her, the trauma of a car out of control in front of the Mission Viejo Medical Center, that killed an older man entering the medical center, and then a month ago, suffering a horrendous fall on a concrete sidewalk—wanted to plan a small dinner party for me which I declined. I just wanted to quietly honor my mom and veterans on this emotional day and enjoy a nice meal with Debbie that night.
My friend Michelle (also known as Lady Hummingbird) wanted to take me to lunch that day with a friend of mine, but she wouldn’t say who. I accepted. Michelle requested I come to her house at 11:30 and we’d ride in her car to meet a friend of mine (a surprise) at a restaurant she had selected. I suspected it might be my former deli. That morning, Michelle texted. “Remember, women don’t like men to arrive early so please not before 11:30.” I thought that was an unusual request, but didn’t overthink it.
As Michelle drove down the hill toward Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, which I opened and operated for 25 years, she had her right-turn blinker on to get on Pacific Coast Highway northbound. I dismissed my suspicions that we might be going to the deli.
However, she made a near pit maneuver which led us immediately to the deli parking lot. I noticed my buddy Jim’s car parked outside so my suspicions were correct after all.
As we entered the deli, I glanced into the dining room and thought I was hallucinating. There were about 22 people standing next to a table with balloons and a Happy Birthday sign with a big number 85 in the middle on the wall behind the table. The 85 was a dead giveaway–that message was intended for me. I then understood why Michelle didn’t want me to arrive early, the guests were decorating and arrived before me.
I recognized every person there, each with a special connection from my past. I was overcome with emotions. I lost it. Tears were ‘free fallin’ from my eyes like the famous Tom Petty song. As big as raindrops like in the 1961 “Raindrops” Dee Clark song. (There are links to both songs below).
Johnny Cash music (Walk The Line) began, making me even more emotional as a fond memory of my friendship with him bubbled up.
The people were from different aspects of my life. I am so fortunate. There were four of my previous employees from the deli: Teresa, Debbie, and Sandy, each still working there, and Veronica, who is the mother of two young boys.
And two neighbor women were present, Kresta, who is married to Jake, from next door, and Colleen whose hubby is Alex, who live directly across the street. They look out for me, and I look out for them.
And three fantasy football pals. We have been together for 30 years in the TMFL (Tooter’s Morning Football League, named after its founder, me). Bruce Smith, John Hawkins (aka Hawk), and Vince Monfils.
Bruce and I also attended an Elton John/Billy Joel concert together in Las Vegas on February 18, 2001, at the MGM Grand Hotel. His wife’s daughter Jaime attended with him.
Besides being in TMFL, Vince was a tennis pro and then a buyer for the Ritz Carlton hotels in Southern California. He is now Vince The Hat Man. He custom designs the hats he and his life partner Julie sell at the Dana Point Farmers Market on most Saturdays.
Hawk and his wife Tracy have been close friends for 30 years. She has been working in the Capistrano Valley Unified School District for 28 years, 18 of those years as a high school teacher and the other 10 years in Guidance.
Jim Fallon, my current fantasy football coaching partner, and a member of the grief share group I belong to, secretly—to me at least—helped Michelle, who organized the event. I now understand why Michelle is so good as a home caregiver. Busy, efficient, and organized. Also helping Michelle was my significant other, Debbie, without me knowing about the two working together.
A member of my grief share group, Patty Beverly, San Clemente, was notified by Jim and fit the party into her busy schedule. The three of us have shared lots of sadness in the previous two years, remembering lost loved ones. This added to my emotionally charged day.
To top off the event, a fireman came into the deli for a sandwich. I didn’t recognize him but over the years Dana Point firemen were incredible customers. At numerous times they would be eating, and an emergency call would come in. They would bolt, leaving their food on the table. We would save it for them, often having to refrigerate the food until they returned. They appreciated us and us them.
The fireman asked the deli cashier what was going on, and when he found out, he walked over to me to thank me for my 25 years of feeding them and handed me a Special Operations Rescue medal. See enclosed pictures of front and back. His incredible gesture nearly knocked me off my feet.
I mentioned to Debbie that I was embarrassed for shedding so many tears. She looked at me and said, “Women love when men cry (at the right time), you were great.”
I said it reminded me of the Dee Clark song “Raindrops” with the lyrics, “…A man ain’t supposed to cry.”
She said, “Women like men who have the capacity to cry. I was proud of you.”
Who says 85 is old? This was the most positive emotional day in my life. Lesson learned as you grow older: Cherish your friends, family, and memories. Wake up on your birthday and say to yourself, this is the first day of my Xth year (the year after your birthday. For me, 85th birthday, the start of my 86thyear. And be happy you’ve made it this far.
Link to Tom Petty’s “Free fallin’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWJXDG2i0A
Link to Dee Clark’s song: Raindrops”
Responses to 85 birthday party On Life and Love after 50eNewsletter
Columnist Tom Blake
November 22, 2024
(Photo by Michelle Rivera, aka Lady Hummingbird)
Part One – Champs Reply to Tom Blake 85th birthday party surprise
There were several responses to last week’s eNewsletter about my 85th birthday party. Here are just a few of them:
Florence, “Where has the time gone? I signed up for your eNewsletter 20+ years ago after the death of my husband a few years earlier. May the next 365 days be special for you.”
Marcia, “Your newsletter was filled with memories that allow your Champs to get a sense of your incredible life.
“You have taken your life experiences and turned them into something positive that will further enhance your life, and the lives of all the people you come in contact with. That is a gift.”
Tom’s comment: Those are extra special words coming from a friend I’ve known 59 years, going back to both of us growing up in Jackson, Michigan.
Ted, “Who says 85 is old?It wasn’t me, Tom.Welcome to the 86thyear that we share (although I had a head start).You are a special guy to a lot of folks out there…and to at least one guy in Grosse Pointe Park, MI. I wish I’d been a fly on that wall on the 11th.”
Tom’s comment: Ted is a classmate from Jackson, Michigan, 60 years ago
Gloria, “A beautiful story about your celebration and special friends who came to honor you. It brought tears to my eyes reading about your celebration and memories of old friends. Many happy returns to a young 85.”
Neighbor Colleen Torres (who attended with Kresta Racker), “Love this article! It was a special day, indeed!”
Joel, a recent widower, “One of your best. I feel OK and am keeping busy with friends and constructive activities. You’re a good model for a life well lived”.
Sandy, a Champ I’ve known for 50 years, who is pondering relocating from California to the Midwest, said, “All opinions from you are received with an open mind! I’m not jumping ship soon!
“I liked the cameo on 60 Minutes about Wisconsin’s Door County “The Cape Cod of the Midwest” so much because of the obvious congeniality between folks of both political persuasions.One man said ‘We have the Midwestern nice thing going!’ Lots of artists and Chicago retirees.And, although it is a beautiful vacation destination, seemingly, also very low ( by comparison to California ) rents.”
Bruce, Ohio, “Happy belated birthday and it is great you have so many friends at this point in your life.”
Ginny, PA, “I especially loved this week’s newsletter.So many emotions were expressed.
“Thank you for giving us a brief history lesson about Veterans Day and your service to our country.
“I am proud of my Harry’s 39 years in the Air Force. On Veterans Day he leads several ceremonies: one at our Senior Center and another as a retired military member of his high school Vets committee.
“Pleased to hear you and Debbie could celebrate your special day with friends. Happy 85th.I am right behind you.”
Part 2 – A Champ’s poignant and timely comment
With all the threats and chatter going on in this world about WW III, Wil’s comment stopped me in my tracks:
Wil, Hawaii (a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain co-worker of mine in Oakland, CA, and Denver in the early 70s), wrote succinctly, “My wife Pua and I are on vacation at ground zero in Nagasaki, depressing place. All world leaders should come here.”
Senior Single Women BeAssertive
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter
November 8, 2024 Columnist Tom Blake
Most Champs in their 60s and 70s know that the ratio of single women to single men in their age range is roughly 4-to-1 or more. We learned in this eNewsletter recently that the ratio at Laguna Woods Village in South Orange County, California, a 55-plus community, is between 7 and 8 to one.
Women have told me, “And some of those single men aren’t dating material, thereby increasing the ratio. Bottom line, meeting a compatible guy to date is a daunting challenge.”
I hear that all the time. Because of these bleak numbers, I’ve often told single senior women, “When you see a man within an acceptable age range, who isn’t wearing a wedding ring, and who appeals to you, don’t be shy. Be assertive—not aggressive—and start a conversation with him.
Champ M, a single Dana Point, CA woman, in her early 60s, shared her story of assertiveness to meet a handsome man. She just made one key mistake.
She emailed: “This happened last week. I’m a caregiver. I applied for a new job at a caregiving company and one of the requirements was to get a TB blood test as a part of the employment application process. I went to a medical lab and as I walked in, I noticed a handsome man sitting in the waiting room looking at his phone. He didn’t appear to see me.
“I signed in and spoke to the lady at the counter, knowing that this handsome man was behind me staring at his phone. They called him into the blood drawing station and as he went by me, I noticed he was a bit older than me and not wearing a wedding ring.
“While sitting in the waiting room, I couldn’t help but think about him. I remembered the advice that Tom Blake had shared with readers in previous newspaper articles and eNewsletters regarding single women being assertive when seeing a potential man partner. Tom had encouraged women to take the initiative and say hello to men they are attracted to, who appear to be single (no wedding ring, for example).
“I shrugged my shoulders and sat down by the exit door, never thinking that the man would walk by me again. While I waited to be summoned, he emerged from the drawing station and walked toward me heading for the exit. Our eyes met this time,and I felt a mutual attraction, and I thought ‘OK, be brave M, hurry up and say something.’
“I said to him, ‘That was quick. Did it hurt?’
“With kind eyes and a bright smile, he said, ‘Not at all!’”
“I said, ‘I am scared and terrified of needles (which I am). I hate getting shots.’ And then, I felt an overwhelming boldness and childlike flirting with what I said next, ‘Would you hold my hand?’
“He said, ‘Sure I will.’
“I was floored and taken aback. I lost my nerve at that moment. Thoughts kept popping into my head that he might be married. Some men don’t wear a wedding ring. I wish when he said ‘Sure, I will’ that I had been clever and quick and savvy enough to ask, ‘Are you married?’
“Instead, I clammed up and said, ‘Oh wow that’s so nice of you.’ And then I foolishly said, ‘They’ll probably take care of me in there. I’m sorry, thank you, anyway.’
“He said, ‘OK sure,’ and walked out.
“I sat there for 20 seconds, stunned by what I had failed to do, and thought, oh my goodness, I choked. I should have given him my hand, or, at least given him my caregiver business card with my phone number on it. I didn’t. I totally blew it. I missed an incredible opportunity to be with a nice man.
“I probably will never see him again, but it made me realize that being assertive in a classy way works. There’s not a happy-ever-after ending to this story—at least not yet– but I’m getting bolder as a single senior woman!”
Champ M continued, “I opened the door to see if he was in the hallway still waiting for the elevator. He was goneso I didn’t get a chance to give him my card or at least ask him if he was married so there went that opportunity. However, I’m glad that I’m getting bolder. My advice to senior single women. Don’t miss an opportunity to meet a man like I did.”
Tom’s comment to M. “Who knows? He might have been married. But, unfortunately, you choked. Move on, having learned a senior love lesson: Senior single women be assertive. Hopefully, our Champs (women and men) will think of your experience when an opportunity arises for them, ensuring they engage the potential mate in conversation. Be assertive, not aggressive.
Are you married?
Responses to Debbie’sFall
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 1, 2024
by Tom Blake Columnist
Last week’s article, A Night at the ER, about senior balance and falling, triggered the most responses from Champs ever. Most were well wishes to Debbie, my significant other, who had tripped on thick grass and injured herself when she landed on the concrete sidewalk. Here is a message from Debbie to Champs.
“To all of Tom’s Champs who were so kind, thoughtful, and supportivewith your words of inspiration, stories, as well as very warm get-well wishes.I want to thank all of you, as hearing from so many of you not only cheered me up, during what I would call one of the most difficult weeks of my life, but was also uplifting for Tom, which was also a very difficult week for him.
“The kindness he has shown you over his 30-plus years of writing is reciprocated back to him when he hears from you.I would also encourage all of you to write to him when you need or want to.Also, at the end of this eNewsletter, there is a link to Senior Safety, on the AgingCare.com website, something I discovered last week when searching for a concise list for myself as well as others.Again, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for all the well wishes.Debbie”
Here are a few of those responses.
Delores, “Been thereafew times. No fun.”
Carolyn, “My heart literally stopped after reading the first two sentences! I thought ‘Oh no, not again.’ Fallsare most dangerous for seniors no matter how strong we are.I’m happy to hear that Debbie is doing well!Please continue to take good care of her and yourself!!
Thyrza, “Your description of your unexpected visit tothe ERto accompany Debbie, reminds me of myERexperience last Tuesday. My medical oncologist called me early that morning, saying he saw an inflammation of my appendix. He urged me to go to theERat Orange Coast Memorial in Fountain Valley where I had my cancer treatment.
“My son drove from San Juan Capistrano to Huntington Beach and took me to theER. With all the blood work and a digital copy of my CT scam, the surgeon on duty decided I neededalaparoscopy to remove my appendix. I was in thehospitalfor two days. I am well into recovery.It shows how unpredictable life can be.I wish a speedy recovery for Debbie.”
Curtis, “Six hours to be seen and out is fast. Around here, it’s10-12 hours just to be seen.”
Bill, “Thanks for sharing, I’m glad Debbie is ok. This is an excellent reminder to us seniors.’
Wayne, “You took good care of her. In one of your columns, you might suggest that seniors take exercise classes that stress balance. I’ve been doing it for 4 years and it’s quite helpful.Afall can happen at any time. Hope she hasafull recovery, and you can complete that dinner date.”
Margo, “All I can say is OMG! Excellent newsletter this week and you can never remind the seniors too often to be careful. Even though I try to be careful, I’ve had two mishaps this year (while hiking and bike riding), both were pretty bad but I’ve recovered.
“I was very lucky. Nothing broken but still recovering in some spots from the deep abrasions.”
Gloria, “What an ordeal for you and Debbie, I am happy to hear that she is not more seriously injured although bad enough by the sound of your story.
“As we age, senior falls and injuries are not uncommon, we just don’t see them coming. I also think it takes a mental toll when you’re injured.”
Cherie, “I hadanear-death experience last year. I had to call 911 but was so out of it that I could hardly dial the number.No one was around to help me.I wasbarely able to dial. The ambulance came and took me tothe ER. I received ablood transfusion. I hadastomach bleed and would have bled to death had I not been able to get help.
“What I learned: I now haveapanic button which isadirect line toemergencies.I recommend this for all seniors.I also will be eternally gratefulto the men and women inemergency.I was in intensive care for onenightand then in thehospitalfor two morenights.We must know how to take care of ourselves and use the wonderful facilitiesat our disposal.”
Jim, Always be careful of our surroundings and try to balance as much as possible. Always go to ER if there is a head injury. And look around for any kind of hazard that can causeafall. Be careful of ladders. Try balancing on one foot for 5-20 minutes.”
(Hey Jim, how about balancing on one foot for 10 seconds?)
Carol, “I worry about falling every day…old age!”
Dr. David Allen, a fraternity brother of mine, the State Commissioner of Health for Kentucky, 1980-83. “Trips to the ER are exhausting and terrifying!”
Bonnie, “You made the best decision. I have been to thatemergencyroom. They are great.Prayer for Debbie for a full recovery. God hears us when we ask.”
The link to the General home safety tips that Debbie referred to is
I recommend you click on this link and print out a copy for yourself. Granted it seems a lot to comprehend. However, implementing just one tip might save you or a loved one from a fatal fall.
Tom’s Final Comment: I appreciate your participation. If none of us falls or has a serious accident this week, we will get back to the senior dating topics next week. Send me your dating questions and comments.
A Senior Night at theER
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 25, 2024
A Night at The ER
By Columnist Tom Blake (with assistance)
Last Friday night Debbie and I were heading out for dinner at 5:30 p.m. My car was parked at the curb outside my home. I walked four feet in front of her to open the passenger-side door. Much to my horror, she tripped on a patch of uneven Korean grass and fell face-first hard on the concrete sidewalk.
Her water bottle and purse went flying. The right side of her body, particularly her right breast and face, took the hit. She didn’t scream but she let out a loud sound of agony. The dogs belonging to our neighbors across the street could not see us, but upon hearing Debbie’s moans, started emitting a mournful noise.They could sense that something was terribly wrong.
With all the medical issues that Debbie has endured in the last five months–painful breast cancer removal and reconstructive surgery, radiation, loss of estrogen, hot flashes, endless doctor visits, and physical therapy–to see her writhing in pain curled up on the sidewalk, I felt so bad I nearly went into shock.
When you love someone, and see them so compromised, it takes a toll on your entire psyche.It took over three minutes to get her gingerly onto her feet.
“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she proclaimed. With a reddish-blue bump forming over her right eye, I didn’t think she was okay. There was no blood, however, which was a positive sign. Debbie asked me to get her an ice bag to put above her eye. Fortunately, she didn’t break her hip.
Debbie is a tough cookie. While holding the ice bag above her eye, she said, “Let’s head for dinner.”I said, “I don’t think so. Are you sure?”She insisted. We got carefully into the car and I started to drive. My mind was racing. Should we even go to a restaurant? Or should we change to a drive-through eatery?Debbie solved my dilemma by saying, “Do you think the Urgent Care around the corner is still open?”
Debbie always puts a positive spin on life. She kids a lot. Next, she added, “I hear they have great dinner specials at Urgent Care. And it’s early, so it’s probably not too busy yet.”(She was kidding of course).
She asked if I had called ahead for a reservation (still kidding). At this point, the small “egg” had grown over her eye.I headed for Urgent Care, two blocks away. Fortunately, they were still open, but unfortunately, in the case of a head injury, or possible traumatic brain injury, they send you to a hospital ER, where there is more sophisticated equipment.We looked at each other and agreed. “We are going to the ER at Mission Hospital.”
(Debbie’s reason for us going to the ER was that about two years ago, she fell off an 8’ ladder onto the concrete floor in her garage, and because she didn’t hit her head, only her back, and she had little pain, she thought, ‘good no concussion’, and decided not to go to the ER that time. However, she recently discovered that in that fall she had a fracture in her L4 area, and she didn’t want to risk any future back medical issues).
The ER
We arrived at Mission Hospital ER at about 6 p.m. There were seven ambulances parked nearby with their rear emergency doors open.When we entered the waiting room area, the room was 3/4 full of people of all ages, both patients and people who had accompanied the patients. Several health technicians and security personnel were scurrying around trying to be as helpful and efficient as possible.
Upon checking Debbie in, the staff made Debbie a top priority due to the potential brain injury caused by her fall. I heard an announcement that went throughout the ER saying ‘Code X, brain trauma patient checking in.’ We were told we’d be at the ER for at least two hours.During our time in the waiting room, Debbie was summoned several times as staff members came and escorted her to labs, an EKG, X-rays, and CAT scans.The ER was a busy place on that Friday night. Six people were checking new patients in.
Debbie is a Psychotherapist. She analyzes and assists people for a living. Together, we watched the new people arriving. To help pass the time while waiting and take the edge off her situation, we exchanged thoughts on what the other patients were dealing with.
This, of course, involved much eavesdropping, observing, and filling in the blank’s guesswork.We first focused on a young woman and her male companion who arrived shortly after us.There were no obvious medical issues that we could see about her, but she was crying. We didn’t know what was going on with her until four hours later, she was united with a baby boy, perhaps her son or nephew.
Most new arrivals were escorted by one or two family members or friends. A few people were alone. One was a man, 50ish, 6’2’, seated by himself. He was wearing high-top tennis shoes with untied shoelaces.Debbie told me that not tying one’s shoelaces is one of the latest fads among hip people these days. (I’m so out of touch in my older years).
Another young man wearing a football uniform had a makeshift cast on his arm. He had likely been injured in a Friday Night Lights football game. He was whisked through the waiting room to somewhere deeper in the hospital.We saw at least 25 new patients check in.
At 10:15 p.m., Debbie was relocated to the main emergency room area where a doctor would review all her results from the tests she had endured. I was allowed to be with her. That is also the area where patients on gurneys are wheeled in.Twice, people were wheeled into the hallway strapped on gurneys being escorted by armed Orange County Sheriff officers with guns at their sides. Heaven only knows what had transpired with those two dudes.
All of Debbie’s tests came back ok. Most importantly, the CAT scan showed no brain bleeding. The doctor said it would feel like a truck hit her, especially her sore breast that she had landed on, and that she should take it easy for a week but would feel discomfort for as long as a month.Debbie was released from the hospital at 11:30 p.m. We made it home by midnight. Our dinner date lasted six hours, but we didn’t eat a meal. I had a protein bar from the hospital cafeteria.
How is she feeling now, seven days later? She said, “I have a concussion. My head is still in a fog, and my right breast still hurts and it’s painful when I take a deep breath.”
Lessons Learned From Debbie
Debbie said, “Seniors must always be mindful of their surroundings, such as curbs, stairs, and uneven surfaces.
“Plus, seniors must ensure they seek medical help when they’ve had a mishap, even when they feel they are ok.”
ER rooms aren’t exactly party time
(photo by Tom Blake)
Senior Sex and PhysicalAttraction
Where is senior sex ranked on your list?
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 18, 2024
Is Senior Sex On Your List?
By Columnist Tom Blake
There were many responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter regarding the senior romance and marriage of Ray and Libby Freer, who found each other 73 years after knowing each other as kids. All responses were positive, with glowing comments about how much Champs appreciated the story.
For example,Carolynemailed, “We all absolutely loved reading this amazing senior love story. They are an incredibly beautiful couple.”
Surprisingly, the story also inspired some senior relationship questions. Two questions stood out. One was about senior sex/physical attraction. The other was about 12 characteristics to ponder when seeking a senior mate.
Senior Sex
Ray’scomments, before he met Libby, triggered the sex/physicality topic. He diplomatically stated, “It is weird being out there at81.Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoingrelationship.Some say it’s not worth the bother.”
“It is just my impression, but the relationship becomes more emotional when a couple starts sleeping together.At some level, that implies more commitment.“I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.
“The other side of that is I am picky, so that is also frustrating.I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’
Christine Baumgartner(Christine@theperfectcatch.com), one of our Champs and a Dating and Relationship coach said, “As Ray mentioned, sex is a ‘hot topic’ at this stage in our lives. I repeat my previous offer to discuss sex with any of our Champs should they have questions about it, they can email me.” Wow, that in itself is a ‘hot offer.’
One Champ, name withheld by request, a divorced mother of three, took a firm stance about senior sex, “I won’t have sex with a man until we are married.”
I suggested to her that most men I know—in fact, all men I know–wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. Hence, she’s likely missing out on some good men who would be terrific mates.
And what happens if a couple waits on intimacy, postponing the joys sex can bring, and then marries, only to discover they are sexually incompatible? Do they undo the wedding? Or, do they simply live unhappily in frustration?
Oneguy Champraised senior first-date questions. He said, “What’s the senior first-date etiquette? Let’s say you’ve enjoyed being with each other and both the man and the woman feel instant chemistry. Is a kiss on the lips acceptable? Or would the woman feel that was rushing the relationship?
A cheek peck is better than a handshake, but that’s lame. A good hug sends a warm signal. What’s okay on the first date?”He also added, “How long should a couple wait to be intimate? I’ve heard that some couples make love the first time they are together. That seems risky.”And one more question. “If the first-date attraction is not there, can it grow as two people get to know each other better?”
Champ Julie, twice married, now divorcedcommented on the above question, “I believe attraction can grow. I can be attracted to a wide variety of looks and feelings in a person. Personality affects it. A man making me laugh changes the game completely.
“Meeting someone for the first time can be about the place I am in my head. In the early years after my divorce, I may have been craving a crush-like fantasy but wasn’t open or available to my dates.”
Julie added that she hasn’t been out on a date lately, but she does feel attraction can grow. She’s waiting for attraction to grow, now all she needs is to meet a guy she likes with whom to grow it.
Champ Gregemailed about a first date he had with a woman. He said that each having had a glass of wine relaxed them both and the date ended with an on-the-lips kiss. Their senior first-date attraction grew and grew. I plan to share their exciting senior love story soon.
A few Champs asked for a copy of the List of 12 Characteristics sought in a mate that Ray referred to last week. I retrieved the list from the archives and included it below. It’s only a suggested list; your list might be different and have a different order of importance.
Tom’sSuggestedList of 12 Characteristics Women Might Seek in a Mate (and vice versa for men)
1He makes me his top priority and treats me withrespect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And he is to me
3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must beavailableto see me three to four times per week
8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values
9. He must be kind and considerate of others
10. We must agree on politics
11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots nor closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs
12. He must be emotionally prepared to have a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to.
If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person likely isn’t for me.
In Memoriam
On September 27, I wrote about couples who are aging well. Included in that article was our Champ Joel who was quoted about how blessed he is to have met Wendy in 2012 and married her in 2018.
Tragically, on October 6, Wendy passed away after being hospitalized for two weeks with an unexpected recurrence of a previous illness.
Joel, of course, is devastated. We Champs send our prayers to Joel–and Wendy. Many of us have been down a similar path and understand the huge window in Joel’s heart. God Bless you, Joel.
A Senior LoveStory
On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – October 11, 2024
A Senior Love Story
By Columnist Tom Blake
He moved to Laguna Woods because he loves to play tennis.I was introduced to Ray by my friend and fraternity brother, Tom Brunkow. Tom and I met 67 years ago in 1957, as freshmen in the Beta Theta Pi fraternity at DePauw University, in Greencastle, Indiana.
Tom Brunkow is in the DePauw Athletic Hall of Fame for his tennis accomplishments. Ray has won multiple tennis tournaments and through tennis is how they met.
Ray signed up for my eNewsletter on December 21, 2021. Emails Ray sent me over three years are included below.
Ray’s December 21, 2021, emailRay wrote, “Went to a dance.I found it very awkward.On either side of me were a married woman and that sort of protected me.They were not on the market.Across the table were six unattached women. That intimidated me.
“I play racket sports (Tennis, Paddle and Pickleball).There are lots of attractive women doing that, which makes it easier for me to talk to them one-on-one.“In Laguna Woods almost everyone is friendly.I haven’t connected with a woman yet. I am sure my time will come. If lightning strikes, I will pursue it wholeheartedly.“Octogenarian (80) Ray of Hope.”
Ray’s April 11, 2022, emailRay emailed “Life here in Laguna Woods is good and getting better.There are quite a few LATs (living apart together couples) here.
“It’s lonely. I haven’t found anyone, but all is OK.The good thing about the activities is they allow a person to meet others with similar interests before getting deeply involved.The activities provide time and opportunities to meet without commitment.
“The demographics here in Laguna Woods suggest seven or eight women for each man.Here’s how I estimated the ratio (the numbers are approximations): The population of Laguna Woods is 18,000. Six thousand are men and 12,000 are women.Assuming 5,000 of those men are married, that takes away 5,000 from the 12,000 women.So, 7,000 available women are left with 1,000 available men.
“Many people have significant others here.Some women, consistent with a lack of interest, just are not available.But that still suggests there are lots of ladies out there.
“It is weird being out there at81.Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoingrelationship.Some say it’s not worth the bother. Many simply avoid the dating scene entirely.”
Ray’s October 14, 2022, email“It is just my impression, but when a couple starts sleeping together the relationship becomes more emotional.At some level that implies more of a commitment.“I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.
“The other side of that is I am picky so that is frustrating as well.I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’
“I have some lady friends that appeal at one level or another, but it just hasn’t reached the ‘Let’s get physical’ stage a la the Olivia Newton-John record.I suspect it will come but who knows when?It’s a conundrum.
“The final issue is, while someone might appeal to me, it does not necessarily follow that I would appeal to her.It wouldn’t be her fault if I didn’t float her boat.
Ray’s February 10, 2023, email“I read your list of 12 characteristics in your eNewsletter. I never made a list of characteristics wanted in a mate, but it makes sense.Also, in concert with your eNewsletter, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary.On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”
“Regarding your question about my involvement with a person here.I am involved with a gal named Libby. Her father taught me how to play tennisShe checks off a lot of the boxes on the list.I keep thinking it might come to pass, but so far, no real heat.She has lived in Laguna Woods for more than 10 years.
May 2024In May 2024, My woman friend Debbie and I were invited to dinner at Ray’s home with the Brunkows in attendance. Ray and Libby had become a committed couple.
Senior marriage at 83
Ray’s September 27, 2024 email“Libby and I married on June 29, 2024.We had lived together for a year and a half. She sold her condo and moved in with me. We have known each other for 74 years. When we were kids, she was a year and a half older than me.When I was in 5th grade she was in 7th, an unbridgeable age gap at the time.
“Now at the advanced ages of me (83) and Libby (84), the age gap isn’t an issue.I refer to her as a cougar robbing the cradle.
“I play tennis frequently. Libby walks daily and I join her three days a week.Both of us go to the gym regularly.We are healthy and that is why we married.We simply want to live those twilight years as positively as possible.
“Your list of twelve questions to discuss to determine compatibility was very helpful.We are so boring.We were similar in answering every question. We appreciate each other and are fortunate to enjoy many of the same things. Your eNewsletter helps many seniors.”
Tom’s comment:Wow, Ray and Libby’s story shows why single seniors should never give up hope. The coincidence of marrying someone he knew for 73 years is mind-boggling. And exciting.
photo courtesy of Ray and Libby Freer
Sunday Morning ComingDown
Kris Kristofferson autographed photo to Tom Blake 2007
Photo courtesy of Kris Kristofferson
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – October 4, 2024
Sunday Morning Coming Down
By Columnist Tom Blake
In the summer of 1975, Johnny Cash and his wife June Carter Cash invited 17 Victoria Station Restaurant Chain executives and their wives/girlfriends to be their guests at a dual concert at the Sahara Tahoe Resort and Casino at Lake Tahoe.
I was among the 17. Our group was seated in the front row. There were approximately 1,500 people in the room.A little background information will explain Johnny’s connection to Victoria Station.
Johnny loved trains. Victoria Station restaurants were built out of boxcars and cabooses. Johnny was hired to sing the company’s radio commercials and to be our spokesperson because he identified with trains. As the Marketing Director, it was my job to get Johnny signed and later to ensure that Johnny’s experience with us was first class.
I first met Johnny and June in 1975 when I picked them up in a limo at the Coconut Grove Hotel in Miami Beach. My mission was to have them check out our company’s Miami restaurant to convince Johnny to agree to represent us.
In the limo, I heard Johnny mention to June that Kris Kristofferson had bought a toy train for their son John’s fifth birthday.
Back to the Sahara Lake Tahoe. After the first show, during the intermission, all 17 couples were invited to go backstage. Johnny and June stood together, and I introduced each person to them. I was proud, feeling at least partially responsible for bringing the Cashes and our group together.As we left the backstage area to return to our seats, Johnny pulled me aside and asked, “Tom, what is your favorite song of mine?”
I replied, “Sunday Morning Coming Down.”Johnny said, “Kris Kristofferson wrote that. It’s one of my favorites too.”I smiled and said, “I know Kris wrote it.”At the start of the second show–as Johnny always did–he faced the audience and said, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash.”
And then he pointed at me and said, “Hello, Tom Blake, this song is for you.” He sang,Sunday Morning Coming Down.I was overcome with gratitude.
During the next two years, I was with Johnny and June at least 25 times, usually when they appeared in a city where Victoria Station had a restaurant. We became good friends. That friendship continued for 25 more years.
Johnny introduced me to Carl Perkins, Larry Gatlin, John Denver, Glen Campbell, Rosanne Cash, and Roger Miller. But I never met Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, or Willie Nelson.
And when Johnny published his “Man In Black” memoir in 1975, he signed–with me standing next to him–the inside front cover of his book with these words:
Hendersonville, Tennessee, August 15, 1975 To Tom Blake, the Best to you
(See photo below)
Johnny and June both passed away in 2003. When I published my book, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” in 2006, I wanted Kris Kristofferson to have a copy of it, because the book describes my relationship with the Cash family, and a chapter is titled “Sunday Morning Coming Down.”
That chapter mentions Kris. I knew how much Johnny cared for him.I asked Rosanne Cash, one of Johnny’s four daughters, if she would provide me with Kris’s snail mail address, which she did, and I mailed Kris a book in 2007.Two weeks later, I was making dinner at Greta’s (my partner of 25 years) house, in San Clemente. Greta went to the mailbox and returned to the kitchen.
Greta said, “You have a package from Kris in Hawaii.” My sisters, Pam and Chris, were on holiday in Hawaii and I thought Kris was Chris my sister, who perhaps had sent me some seashells or chocolates.
I said to Greta, “Open it.”Greta opened it and exclaimed, “Oh Wow! It’s an autographed picture signed with these words, ‘Thanks, Tom, Peace Kris Kristofferson!’” When she showed it to me, I was thrilled. (See picture that Kris sent me above).
A couple of years later, Greta and I attended a concert at the San Manuel Casino in Riverside featuring Kris and Merle Haggard performing together. They were awesome, but I had failed to get backstage passes, so we didn’t meet him.Another time, Greta bought me a birthday present– tickets to see Kris performing solo in person at the Disney Theatre in LA. We did not have backstage passes. Again, we didn’t meet him.
September 24, 2004
A month ago, I mentioned in this eNewsletter that I hoped to attend the unveiling of the Johnny Cash statue in the Nation’s Capitol Building on September 24, 2024.
But only United States Senators and members of Congress were invited plus about 100 members of the Cash Family. I contacted Rosanne’s manager to see if they might have an extra ticket. He told me the Cash Family ticket allotment was already filled.I surmised that Johnny’s old pals like Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson might secure a couple of those seats. Kris wasn’t there; I don’t know if Willie was.
This past Sunday morning (coincidentally, a Sunday morning), while checking my computer, I read that Kris, at 88, had peacefully passed away at his home in Maui the day before.
Although I had never met him, I felt a big void. What an incredible person Kris Kristofferson was. A Rhodes Scholar, a graduate of Oxford University, and a professor at West Point. But his grit belonged to Nashville, where he became a janitor for five years to pursue his career of becoming one of the most prolific singers/songwriters in history.Kris followed his heart and touched mine.
Thank you, Kris, for being kind, and caring and, for writing so many classic songs, especially, “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Your signed photo hangs proudly in my office 17 years after you sent it to me.
The link to “Sunday Morning Coming Down” is below.
Part 2 Jackson
Since I mentioned in Part 1 about being in a limo with Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash the first time I met them, I admit I was nervous. To make conversation, (and being aware of how popular their songJacksonwas), I told them I was born and raised in Jackson.
June said, “Oh, Jackson, Tennessee?”I said, “No, Jackson, Michigan.”June said, “That’s nice.” (She wasn’t overly impressed but was very courteous, as always).
A year later, Johnny said to me, “Do you think Victoria Station would consider building a restaurant named Johnny Cash’s Victoria Station in Jackson, Tennessee?”I said, “I’ll ask.It didn’t happen. We already had restaurants in Memphis and Knoxville, Tennessee.
I mentionJacksonbecause just last week the man Billy Edd Wheeler, who co-wrote the songJacksonin 1963–that Johnny and June made so popular–died at 91.So, bless Billy Edd Wheeler, Johhny Cash, June Carter Cash, and Kris Kristofferson for their respective contributions to Country music.
A Link toSunday Morning Coming Downis below:
The above photo is the inside cover of Johnny’s memoir,Man In Black, signed by him to me, August 15, 1975. He signed it and then handed it to me standing next to him. We were in the House of Cash recording studio, in Hendersonville, Tenn.
Assisted Living Romance
Single, eligible man at Assisted Living Facility?
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 20, 2024
Assisted Living Love
By Columnist Tom Blake
Lillian Phillips emailed this week, “I’ve been a Champ for years and love your column. When I was 85, I had been widowed a second time and had been living with my son for three years. I needed a hearing aid and a walker to get around–not exactly dating material!
“In January 2022, when I turned 86, I entered an assisted living facility in Henderson, Nevada, thinking, ‘Here is where I’ll probably die.’
“Two months later, a gentleman named Sid was invited to sit with other ladies and me in the dining room. When he walked through the dining room door, he looked confident and handsome.He had a full head of hair and didn’t use a cane or walker to get around. He was 92 and charming. I wondered, could I be Finding Love at 86.
“During many meals together, we got to know each other and grew to ‘like’ each other very much.I had a terrible crush on him but kept all these feelings to myself.As I said earlier, I didn’t feel I was dating material and many single ladies were living here with their eyes on him.I didn’t know he felt the same about me.
“Just before Christmas 2022,we took the same elevator to our floor after dinner and there he said, ‘Don’t you know that I’m crazy about you?’Those words were all I needed, and I knew that I loved him deeply, and expressed this to him.He told me that the one thing that captured his heart was my smile.I have much to smile about these days.I had thought that I couldn’t fall in love again.
“After several months we both realized that our life was more joyful together.
“This handsome ‘silver fox’ proposed marriage. We married on June 19, 2023, at the facility. Wow, marriage at Assisted Living.
“We knew the risks of marriage at our age: health, finances, family.We discussed all this and have worked it out.Whatever time each of us might have left we’ll take it together.My experience is that you are never too old to fall in love, and you can never be sure where or when love will show up. I’m
88 and Sid is 94, but our hearts are forever young. Your column inspired us.”
Tom’s response to Lillian. “Your heartfelt story is a message of hope that will encourage many older singles, especially those in an assisted living facility, to never give up. We wish you well for years to come.
eNewsletter Questions
From time to time, I receive technical questions about the eNewsletter. By technical questions, I mean how it works and why a Champ sometimes receives two copies of the same eNewsletter in the same week.
A woman Champ recently emailed “I noticed lots of duplicate reminder emails. My email address has been messed up and I just figured out how to straighten it out. I don’t always get to your article right away. Can you turn off the reminders, so I don’t get duplicates?” She was getting duplicates because her computer wasn’t functioning properly.
I responded. “The Sunday duplicate emails are only sent if the Friday email was not opened by the Champ. By sending the duplicates, about 220 people open the resend. If I turn that off, I lose 220 or whatever the number is, from reading the eNewsletter. The system won’t allow me to turn off an individual address (but it will allow me to delete them).
“Thank you for bringing up this issue. I appreciate your years of loyalty.”
Often, when Champs stop receiving the eNewsletter, it means they have inadvertently deleted themselves. Our Constant Contact email server does not allow me to resubscribe them.
To resubscribe, Champs need to go to my “FindingLoveAfter50.com” home page and resubscribe themselves.
Or the cause may be that your server has blocked the eNewsletters. If that’s the case, you will need to fix that situation yourself (or, with the help of your grandkids).
